the only way to fix the world is:

Kathleen McGloin3 Comments

.. to stop trying to fix the world.

Tell me if this rings a bell: most of my life, especially during my growing-up years, I knew an insatiable need to fix others’ hurts, stop their pain, and generally make it all better. The closer they were to me, the more I felt their pain and thought it my duty – my purpose on earth! – to relieve them of it.

I was certainly right about the part where I “felt their pain” because – I know now – I was taking something onboard that didn’t belong to me. I was feeling their pain, without any of the rich detail of their context, their experience, their life-view. Just, the pain.

The part I never understood: once I took it into myself, it wasn’t their pain anymore. It was mine, and I’d feed it like I’d found a starving stray animal… and by feeding the pain, I was flowing all my attention to it – insolently forgetting that whatever we give our attention to is amplified. Still, I’d think this existential discomfort was theirs. And I’d try to make it all better, y’know, for them.

So there they were, having their own experience and getting whatever they needed to get out of it – being in their own business, doin’ their thang. Perhaps having some major life-crisis or mid-level growing pain, or (most often) the little misunderstandings between people who love, but do not understand, each other.

Well.
I was. not. okay. with. that. Here I’d come, watch what was happening, and put myself in their place and imagine how painful it must be. How painful it would be for me.

Then I’d assign myself the duty of – fixing it! (Hear that bell ringing again? welcome, friend!)

The simple truth: the real reason I’d try to fix someone else’s pain was to alleviate my own discomfort.

(I cringe, thinking of it. Even the memories sting. But stinging truth always feels better in the long run than cushy lies.)

I caught myself doing this again a few days ago with someone I’ve danced this particular dance with for a very very long time. (Details are their biz and not important here. Which I get. now.)

The great kindness of experience is that it shortens the frequency and duration of visits to our old hells, and when we remember to breathe back into calm and simply observe ourselves, it’s possible to See. With a measure of compassion.

So when my old hell returned as a new fresh one, I could See, first, that the level of pain I was experiencing “on someone else’s behalf” was completely under my control.

[interesting aside, here: in this case, observing myself, I noticed that the more I tried to “solve the problem” and mentally referee for the players involved, the more actual physical pain I felt. “I’ll be the diplomat, though you never asked, though you don’t even know I know what’s going on, and get a skull-splitting headache in the process.” Now, THAT got my attention!]

I’d put myself into their business, after all. I could take myself out! (and, lordylordy – they could .. have their own experience! how nice for them!)

And. and.

By letting them have their own experience, and refusing to take their pain and make it mine, I stopped hurting… and gave them space to do the same.

Instantly, and once and for all, I saw it: I’d been increasing their pain, and my own pain, by pouring the fuel of my attention on it.

The very opposite of my heart’s kindest wish.

Now I know. And when I perceive a dear one’s pain or struggle or discomfort and feel the old tug to insert myself, to “fix” it, I ask myself this question: is my desire to help born of discomfort?

Or compassion?
…………

love to hear your thoughts on this… please share in the comments, or private message me. thanks for being here! Kathleen.

no more “survival badges.”

Kathleen McGloinLeave a comment

So much value is ascribed to being able to “out-survive” others – and ourselves:
“oh, you lived through that?
Well, I can live through.. THIS!”
We award big points for getting through it, ’cause life can be just so damn hard.

And then, because life is – in fact – ridiculously accomodating and convenient here in the 21st century, we have to create or attract or construct the very “just so damn hard” scenarios we are to overcome.

Is this way of doing things a throwback from times when war and deprivation were front and center, and people-still-living-now cultivated tough skills for tough times?

Perhaps it’s leftover, outdated cultural programming from the 80’s and 90’s, when “pushing ourselves” (read: “punishing ourselves”) as far as we could go – 168-hour workweeks, no sleep, and little use for subtle or simple joys – would win the badges of honor.

Or, maybe this a newer competiton, pervasive in our reality-TV culture, where snark, shame, and “there-is-one-winner-only” are the new norm (“it gets viewers!”) and calm, reflective stability is just not considered good television at all.

What if..?
What if we are now living through the time when the primal, reptilian brain that exists in all of us – the amygdala on constant Defcon-1 alarm – is sensing that its time of being center stage and running our shows through fear is coming to an end?

Could it be that the current collective need to out-angst, out-pain, and “out-survive” each other (and ourselves) is evidence that this way of doing things is making its final death-throes gasp for – survival? (ooh, chills!)

Imagine a new time – and I do feel it coming – when we set aside the need to collect “survival” badges –

and, instead, collect the rewards for simply living.. well, and with kindness.

I can imagine that.

Your Own Way: how to get out of it.

Kathleen McGloin1 Comment

{{Lessons Learned from Reading: wisdom from life as an intuitive reader.  Everyone is my teacher.  This post was first published July 2012, and now becomes second in this series ~ because the wisdom from my mom is timeless!}}

Back when I was a green-newbie at the whole “doing intuitive work for other people” thing, [*cough* twentyoddsomethingyears ago] my mother told me something I now know would be one of the most useful instructions I would ever receive in my life:

“… just remember to get out of – stay out of – your own way.”


Instinctively, I got it:

I had already had the felt experience of being compelled to say certain things whenever I was working with someone, when I’d known from a place of calm what wanted to be said (though often it made little sense to me, personally!) When I followed that “compelled to say” feeling, it was always right on the mark. Made perfect sense to them. Bingo!

Always.

Intellectually, though, I’d mess it up:


At times I’d feel “compelled to say” something, then hesitate a beat too long – and those logical left-brain know-it-alls (dear things!) would rush in to edit, to make it “sound better.” And.. it would go flat, and the simple and patient bit of truth that was finding its way to flow in would, instead, flow on by. (“bye-bye!”)

To be sure, I had a perfect classroom of sorts. Nothing like immediate feedback from another person to show me – over and over again- that the calm/knowing feeling that accompanied some odd-sounding ideas was the wanted feeling. The helpful, useful, right feeling. Delicioso.

And that feedback showed me, too, that the impulse to override or think I “knew better” from a place of intellect was, while not necessarily being a wrong feeling, was tinged with urgency and reactiveness and not even a bit delicious.

As I learned to notice these two distinct states – calm/knowing vs. reactive impulse – as they occurred, I realized I could choose which way to go each time. Toward “delicious,” of course!

Making the choice to follow calm/knowing is ~ us, staying out of our own way.

{{coming up: getting feedback when you’re the only one you have to ‘practice on’}}